Here lately I’ve been doing my best to control my anger and depression, and have been doing good considering things that have been going on. I work hard and do what I’m told, try to be nice to everyone, and listens to everyone’s problems. But when peoples attitudes change towards you for whatever reason you are unaware of its tough. Especially when said person is close to you. Nothing I ever do amounts to anything, my friends are always right regardless, and I seem like the red head kid on the problem child movies. Guess the older I get and the more I sit back and observe I see more and more where my depression comes from. Can’t talk to them or anyone else about it because they’ll get upset, won’t understand, and respond with its life suck it up. On the days I’m at my lowest I feel like I could disappear and no one would notice for awhile. This fake smile and laugh are getting harder to carry.
We at times make things harder on ourselves. This I know. Tired of feeling lost, aimed without a direction, like something is missing. Ride around all day fighting with myself, crying, wondering where I went wrong to feel this way. Got myself in a situation where i don’t know what to do. I know what is missing. This fucking depression doesn’t help any, especially since I don’t take the meds that make me feel like a zombie.
Truth is, I think about you all the time. Feel like things pushed us to where we are not for spite or revenge, but to teach us a lesson and make us grow. Please don’t hate me, because I forgive you more each day.
Don’t know whether I’m coming or going. Getting so high I’m scared to sleep. I miss the fuck out of her. She won’t have anything to do with me when I’m trying to pour my heart out. Just been a mess carrying around a smile that’s not hardly mine.
Tossing and turning and eBay. The things you do when you can’t shake that feeling. At least dad will be happy with his new tires. It’s haunting.